Archive for the ‘Healthy Relationships’ Category

Moving Forward

Moving Forward

The month of October was Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  It was filled with events and opportunities to speak out against the verbal, mental, spiritual, physical, and financial abuse many of us can find ourselves experiencing. But now that it’s over, I want to focus on how to move forward.

But first; a little of my personal story.

 You are a Stupid B**ch

You would be NOTHING if it wasn’t for me and your father

You are worthless

You do not deserve to carry my seed

Get your fat a** off the couch and run up and down the steps. (during pregnancy)

These are just a few of the statements I heard from my ex-husband during the beginning of our marriage.  These words bruised me to the core.  I heard these words so often that I actually checked my birth certificate to see if “Stupid B**ch” was anywhere on it.  I can joke about this now because this is my story of triumph and I own this narrative.  It does not define me in any way, so I can make light of it, as it was a weak attempt to break me.

I was young, undeserving of his abusive words, and grossly unequipped to respond to the evil and demeaning way I was being treated.  BUT…while he may have broken my wings, he forgot I had claws.

Something to Ponder

My faith in God and my unbreakable spirit allowed me to survive and soar after leaving my abuser.  But before I could act, to start ending the disrespect, I had to take an honest inventory of ME.

Why did I allow someone to speak destructive words over me?

Why did I sustain many physical injuries and minimize its effects?

What parts of myself did I sacrifice to allow my abuser to blatantly cheat for years?


After years of prayer and quiet soul searching, I know that answer.  It’s the same answer to why I had absolutely no feeling or reaction to my ex-husband admitting to me that he had feelings for another woman while we were still married.

Its because I was indifferent.  Indifferent to him, his abusive ways, his infidelities, and the empty marriage I allowed to become my prison.  I was completely apathetic.  I had achieved a focus of self-discovery, being ministry minded, raising my children, earning my degrees, and planning my exodus.

I am not suggesting that a man or woman should stay with someone who is a clear detriment to their purpose and destiny.  What I am saying is if you stay, make the most out of it while you take care of you.

Here are some of the ways I navigated my valley season that ultimately prepared me for the mountain top moments in my life today.

Activating the Power of Thought

Ask yourself the following questions.  While reading them, try to still yourself and be brutally honest.  Hard questions + Honest answers = Truth towards Healing.

  • Can you be authentically yourself in your home?
  • Are you guarded and distant with your extended family and friends?
  • What fear governs most of your actions or inaction?
  • What motives guide your choices?
  • Are you aware of the “why” behind your choices?
  • Have you lost parts of yourself to “fit” into the relationship with your abuser?
  • What are the benefits of staying?
  • What are the costs of staying?

After you have spent some time with your answers and you realize you are worth more than the current treatment you are receiving, slowly walk yourself through the following:

  • Identify YOUR true feelings
  • Identify the pattern (yours and your abuser)
  • Pay attention
  • Prepare for change

Whether you choose to stay with your abuser, as I did for 22 years with a specific strategy and goal in sight OR if you decide to leave immediately, it is ultimately your choice.  You are in control of your life and no one else.  What you decide for you and possibly your children will be the right decision for you.  But please check in with yourself to make sure you are making your decisions from a place of honesty, clarity, reality, and strength.

You are stronger than you think, and you deserve a life of peace.

**If you need additional support to gain clarity, please call our office to schedule an appointment.  Online coaching is also available. (804)-467-1488
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