There are very few things that can equate to the loneliness one feels in a detached and unhappy marriage. It seems as though your spouse does not see the value in you. You may feel as though your spouse is not interested in spending time with you. It may feel as if your spouse is unable to understand and/or partner with you in your frustrations, or even worse, your spouse may be seeking connection outside of your marriage and may be having an affair.
Something to Ponder
You can feel as though you are grieving the partner you once knew and that there is a stranger in your bed. All of this can bring about a level of loneliness that can leave you feeling as if you are drowning. You may ruminate over questions of worth. Asking yourself questions like:
“Am I worthy of my spouses attention?”
“What have I done to deserve this level of disregard from
another human being?”
How will I make it if my marriage does not work?
I’ve tried everything and nothing seems to work.
Am I not enough?
Actively Engaging the Power of Thought
You may find yourself feeling depressed and in despair. It may seem as though you have no power and are helpless to what is happening in your marriage.
The temptation to nag and berate your spouse just to get a reaction seems like the best option. You may also find that your depressed and low feelings are keeping you from living and enjoying life like once before. In an attempt to force change, you may eventually realize that you have developed fruitless habits in the way you relate to your spouse. Your spouse and your problems have become your new project. Your marital conflict is beginning to dominate your every thought. You begin to neglect yourself, your friends, and possibly your responsibilities because your marriage has become an obsession.
Identifying healthier ways to cope with the stagnant nature of your relationship will allow your soul a moment to breathe. Focusing on fixing “the problem” is not the most efficient way to help your current circumstances. “The problem” is not the beginning of the story. To get to the beginning, you must quiet yourself and be still. You must step back from all of the moving parts and think;
“What is the core issue?”
- Unresolved conflict?
- Hurtful behavior?
- Dismissive Behavior?
Once you are able to look objectively at your marriage, you are then able to take an honest inventory of your role. No one is able to control the actions and choices of their spouse as it pertains to infidelity, substance abuse, or violence; however we are able to see our role. Is there a co-dependency, lack of confidence, lack of respect for our needs, passive aggressiveness, etc?
Focusing solely on our partners failures and wrong doings will provide a very limited view. It can be debilitating in the recovery and healing of your relationship. You are not powerless. You possess a strength and a knowing that will give you solace and peace in the midst of chaos. If you ever hope to know the “stranger” you married, it first begins with knowing, accepting, shifting, and loving yourself.
It’s never too late. Begin your journey of discovery now.